This post is part of a series of questions I answered during my time at HeTexted. Hundreds of girls asked me relationship advice, and I responded.
First is the girl’s question, and then my advice.
On May 5th, a girl on HeTexted wrote me and asked…
I seem to just attract douchebags.. my friends keep telling me it’s not my fault, and that I just attract the wrong kinda guy… but surely after 4 boyfriends it must be something to do with me right??
We cannot choose who we are attracted to.
So you like douchebags. I totally get it. There must be qualities about these guys that turn you on? Do some homework and write down the top 5 qualities you like most about your last few boyfriends. And then write down the top 5 qualities that were missing. Somewhere in between there you may find your ideal… put those together into one master list of what you’re looking for in a guy. I found it so helpful when I made a list of the qualities I’m looking for in a girl. It helped me know what to look for (and what to avoid).
It also helps build perspective… you’re not going to get everything on your list. But is Mr. X a 4 out of 5? Then maybe this guys a keeper! It helps.
I’m guessing you like douchebags because they are selfish and take what they want. That’s a masculine quality.. the guy who ignores you because he’s guided by his own desires. Yet those few moments when he is passionately in lock with you… you feel like the only woman in the world. Putty in his hands. The highs are higher… yet the lows are lower.
What comes with maturity is a better realization of what you want, and what you need. Personally I have some pretty high standards right now, but I really know what I want… for example, I don’t want one night stands, I don’t want a girl that is too busy with her job that she does have time for me. And so I filter girls like that out of the frame.
Best of luck, let me know if this helps you or if I’m off the mark,
PS. Oh, one more tip to jolt the list writing…The 5 Whys. Ask yourself, “Why do I like douchbags?” Answer that with something you like about them. Maybe you say “They make a lot of money.”. Then ask, “Why do I like I like a guy that makes a lot of money?”
You say, “To buy me nice things”. WHY? “I like to have nice things to show off to other people” etc etc. A therapist did this with me once… and it helped me understand myself on a deeper level. To understand what I was REALLY looking for in a person.