Just married. But not in love. What do I do?

HeTexted

This post is part of a series of questions I answered during my time at HeTexted. Hundreds of girls asked me relationship advice, and I responded.

First is the girl’s question, and then my advice.

On April 4th, a girl on HeTexted wrote me and asked…

Hi Chris, i got married this year and love my partner with my life. we have been together for 4 years….my dilemma is that i don’t know if he feels as strongly as i do…yes, he did ask me to marry him and we are happy together, but when we are out either with friends, either at party or bbq, he seems to stay away from me and doesn’t talk to me much at all. does he just need to spend time with his mates or do i feel awkward for a reason…?

I think the problem is that i am not the love of his life and not really the perfect girl for him…he likes funny girls and i am probably a bit serious, although i like to be silly too…

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

My advice…

Oh no… this message makes me a bit sad. I’m just really sorry to hear this news only months after your marriage.

Look, there’s a few truisms about marriage. When we get married both parties get more comfortable and it’s easy for the passion to dissipate (it’s historically and evolutionarily true… read more about it).

I believe one reason for this is because when we get married, we look to our lover as a source of security. Someone that will be there for you. Someone that you can trust, and love. And so we can conclude that marriage needs stability.

On the other side of the coin, we look to our partner for romance. And what do we need for romance? Well, for one passion! Spontaneity! All of the things that turned us onto each other when we first started dating. The excitement and adventure! And so we can also understand that marriage needs instability.

Stability and instability. Security and adventure. All in one person!? Yikes. One magical person. No wonder this is so difficult. And this is why books like 50 Shades, and the act of infidelity are so alluring… this idea of adventure and the unknown tempts us.

I think you and your husband have some work to do. We can bring back the passion, but first it comes with understanding our desire. I’d highly recommend reading Mating in Captivity.

I like that you said “you talked to him” about it. Way to be proactive! But now ask yourself.. when you talked to him were you accusing? As in..”you never” or “you always” or did you ask him an open ended question and listen to HOW HE FEELS. Try again, and try to get to the depth of how he feels. Ask open ended questions and leave silence. The trick here is ensure he doesn’t get defensive and close up.

Best of luck, write back to let me know how this goes and if my advice was helpful or not,

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